What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 03:19
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She wouldn,t have been !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
What are the most extreme examples of hypocrisy?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I write beautiful poetry .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why is it easy to make money in the USA?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Especially a lifetime of it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was 9 years of age.
When she asked me how she looked .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I don,t even have a pension.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I will be 64.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was very sick at this time too.
One cannot live in the past .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I waited trembling.
Put me off passion for life!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I think the readers, may guess!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And i lived it daily.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I said to her
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She married twice! .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Would this be the day?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It was going to be , some day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was seconnd youngest,
She found it foreign!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is soul school!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ive learnt so much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I have no regrets .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He knew the spot.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She loved him until the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So whats the point in blame.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
What did i know ?
She was in good health!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My family never makes their pension either.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But, we were locked up after school.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Comes on , in middle age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My life is so biszare .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But it wasn’t much.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was scared of men, in general
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So, i spoilt her more .
All the time i was locked up.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!